Do I Really Want To Know? | SG1 Fanfic

"Do I wanna know?
If this feeling flows both ways?
Sad to see you go,
Was sort of hoping you would stay."

- The Arctic Monkeys

~~~~~

The natural scent of pine from the cabin walls was especially heavy as Vala pushed open the screen door and stepped out onto the porch. The rain pounding the roof also clung to the air and permeated everything it touched, deepening every smell and sound with a distinctly refreshing quality.

Vala let the screen door fall shut behind her, slightly muffling the sounds of the poker game going on inside. She had been enjoying the game, but there was something so very peaceful about the view out the window that had called to her. Besides, she was needing a break from the group. She was a social person by nature, but even she needed a moment to let down her guard and simply be.

There was a wicker sofa pushed against one wall of the porch. The roof had managed to keep it completely dry and a cozy looking afghan was left draped across the armrest.

Shifting the mug in her hands so as not to spill her tea, Vala took a seat on the sofa and pulled the blanket across her knees. The early autumn air was still warm despite the rain, but it was comfortable regardless.

A shout of triumph from inside broke the relative quiet of the porch’s atmosphere, followed by vague sounds of both congratulations and disappointment. Vala smiled and nestled deeper into the sofa’s cushion. Cameron must have finally won a hand.

The sounds faded into the background again as another hand was dealt and she let herself be swept away by the more peaceful noises of the rain and nature. She wrapped her hands around the mug, relishing its comforting warmth, and tried to ignore the turbulent thoughts that had been battling under the surface since they’d first arrived at the cabin yesterday afternoon.

It had been Cameron’s idea to attempt bringing the team back up here. Since their previous team building exercise had been partly ruined by having to chase diseased animals through the woods, he’d wanted them to have a real chance at a relaxing weekend off. And it had certainly been nice so far. Vala was glad everyone had been able to make it.

She tapped a nail against the side of the mug, the sharp notes of the porcelain sounding out of place among the muted melody of the raindrops.

Closing her eyes, Vala took a deep inhale of the caramel scented steam wafting up from her drink. This was nice, she decided. There was something inherently cozy about wrapping her hands around a warm mug while the chilly, rain soaked air hung around her like a blanket.

She was starting to realize how much of Earth she hadn’t truly experienced in over a year of being here. All the scents and sounds and sensations… most of it was still a strange new world for her. She hadn’t been able to experience any of it while hidden away within the concrete walls of the Cheyenne Mountain complex. While she could appreciate the safety provided by such a bunker, it didn’t allow her to truly live.

Her thoughts drifted to that one night, not so many months ago, when Daniel had taken her out for dinner to celebrate her progress as a new member of the SGC. Daniel had staked his own career by endorsing her to join the Stargate program, and it had been his way of thanking her for not screwing it up.

She remembered teasing him at the time about it being their first date. It was too easy to rile him up, and there was something endlessly entertaining about seeing him so flustered. At the time, she’d found his adamant denials that they were most definitely not dating amusing. But lately, for some reason, there was a dull ache in her chest whenever she remembered his embarrassment and clear disdain towards the idea.

‘Is it really such a distasteful thought?’ she wondered, curling her legs up beside her on the sofa. ‘Is that really how he feels about it?’

She shook her head. No, she wasn’t going to give in to those sort of guessing games. She wasn’t sure if she even wanted to know the answer to such a loaded question.

The rain slacked off a little, the heavy curtain of sound reduced to a soft pattering on the porch roof.

Vala sighed and took another sip from her tea. The mug wasn’t quite as warm now, unfortunately, but the flavoring was still good. She’d have to remember to thank Teal’c later for the recommendation.

She appreciated Teal’c’s friendship. Even from the beginning, he’d been the most accepting of her. While he’d never been vocally supportive of her efforts to join the team, he also hadn’t shut her out the way the others tried to. Having someone treat her as an actual teammate rather than an interloper had made a world of difference back then.

Of course, things were getting better between her and the rest of the team lately.

After the incident with her father, she and Sam had stayed up all night drinking and talking. They’d shared a lot more in those few hours than in the previous two years of knowing each other. After that, a more solid friendship had begun to take shape. They still went shopping together on occasion, and Sam was Vala’s main source for understanding human customs, especially from a woman’s perspective.

Cameron also wasn’t quite as harsh towards her now as he used to be. She still loved teasing him, of course, but there was more of a friendly rivalry between them now. She could tell General Landry and Carolyn were also beginning to warm up to her.

And then there was Daniel…

Sighing, Vala melted further into the cushions beneath her. A distant rumble of thunder rolled over the area, fading against the mountains on the other side. It was as if nature itself was agreeing with the turn of her thoughts.

It had all started as a tiny niggling doubt in the back of her mind ages ago, and had been slowly growing and strengthening over the past year. This quiet little feeling of discontent. Of emptiness. She had more now than she ever had previously in her life, and yet she felt an absence. Almost a sort of longing or wistfulness. One she didn’t want to discover the source of.

‘Is it really such a good idea to ask a question when I know I don’t want the answer?’

In Daniel lay the real problem, she had decided — late one night after a few too many glasses of wine and way too much self reflection.

Her life here was great. It was everything she’d been wanting for a long time. She had friends, a team she could trust, a place to come home to. Most importantly, she had a real purpose. She was helping people.

All things considered, she should be completely happy with her current situation. What more could she possibly need?

Unfortunately for her, the issue lay wrapped up in an archeology nerd with biting sarcasm and about as much social aptitude as a Tok’ra. He was the reason she couldn’t simply accept her new life for what it was and be happy.

And maybe, if she was being honest with herself, she could admit that she was the one who had started this problem, back at the very beginning. Maybe she had merely been toying with him at the start. It wasn’t as if she had expected to see him beyond that one interaction on the Prometheus. She was there for a job, and she’d needed him to complete that job; it was simply a bonus that he happened to be attractive as well as useful. There was no way she could have known how things would end up between them.

Vala sighed and took another slow sip from her mug.

It was probably at least partly her father’s fault that she had grown up with this idea of relationships being purely transactional. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe there was something wrong with her and always had been. Before meeting Daniel and getting to know his team, she would have laughed at anyone who tried to tell her that it was possible to care about someone without getting anything in return other than love and acceptance. It sounded so hopelessly naive.

Her father certainly hadn’t been capable of such a thing. Her mother either, if she was being completely honest with herself. Her own village had turned on her when she needed them. Even her fiance hadn’t been able to look past her having been a host.

It was okay, though. She had learned to adapt and work with what life gave her. No, ‘gave’ was too generous a word, really, considering everything she’d managed to get for herself had had to be taken. But she did adapt and learn and keep moving forward.

Most importantly, she’d learned how relationships really could work to her advantage. Business partnerships could be utilized until it was time to cut and run with the winnings. The naive and innocent could be manipulated for information. Lovers could be fun, for a while at least, and she had no qualms about walking away once the fun was over.

She knew she was attractive and knew how to use that to her advantage. She also understood how quickly the infatuation could fade once they got to really know her, so she learned how to keep others at a safe arm’s length. She kept them interested and wanting more. She kept them believing whatever version of herself they needed to believe in. She used them. But then, they were using her too, so it wasn’t completely awful, was it?

She did what she needed and never really looked back.

And then there was Daniel.

Daniel Jackson, with his sad eyes and disapproving frowns and that wrinkled forehead that spoke of the enormous weight he always carried on his soul.

Daniel Jackson, who had actually believed in her ability to become a better person and made her want to try.

Daniel Jackson, who hadn’t wanted her.

Not like that, at least.

Her relationship with Daniel had never been like that. He’d offered her friendship, nothing more and nothing less. He never expected or demanded anything other than her trust and respect. Maybe that was why their little ‘game’ quickly stopped being fun for Vala — because he didn’t want her, but he did care about her. Which would make him the first.

For the first time in a very long time, Vala also found herself wishing to be wanted. Because he did care, and that made the idea of being wanted by him so very different from anyone in her past.

Not that she needed, or expected, anything serious. Of course not. But she did want… well, something. What exactly, she couldn’t even say. Maybe she simply wasn’t ready to admit it yet, not even in her own heart.

Not that it would matter. Because he didn’t want anything from her. He already gave her his support and care. And that was apparently all he had to give. He’d already asked her for her trust and commitment, and that was apparently all he needed.

But was it all he wanted? Was Vala the only one wishing and hoping in the dark… or did he feel the emptiness, too? Did she even want to know the answer to that?

The screen door squeaked open, the old hinges protesting weakly to being used.

Vala sighed, letting her somber thoughts wash off her shoulders with the rain. She scooted over slightly, leaving a space open on the seat beside her. The cushions shifted and he settled in right next to her, shoulders touching only barely. The ghost of a comforting touch, but kept at the safe minimum.

“Cutting your losses before you gamble away your collection of encyclopedias?” she teased, humming a soft acknowledgment as he passed her one of the pastries Sam had brought.

“Decided it was better to quit while I was ahead — or, at least, not too far behind. General Landry is better at reading people than I would have thought, and Teal’c has the best poker face I’ve ever seen.”

“Would you like me to stand over his shoulder and signal his cards to you?”

He laughed, shaking his head as he took a bite of his own treat. His laugh was nice. Not the scathing one he would use to say ‘stop being an idiot’ or the sarcastic huff he used when he wasn’t sure whether to be frustrated or amused by something. No, the very rare, genuine laugh that seemed to only make an appearance when he was relaxed enough to let down his guard just a little bit. It was warm and light. It promised that maybe the soul it came from wasn’t as broken as it seemed.

Vala nudged her shoulder a little closer to his, bumping them together in an inviting way. While she didn’t look his direction, her breath held for a moment as she waited for a response.

A moment later, his arm lifted, allowing her to lean against his side before dropping again to rest behind her back. She eased her head onto his shoulder and snuggled into the warm knit of his sweater. She didn’t wrap her own arms around him the way she wanted to. He was still relaxed and peaceful, and she’d hate to push too far past that annoying line he’d drawn between them. Normally, she would at least try. Not today, though.

No. Today, she simply wanted to enjoy the caramel scent of her tea and the pattering of rain on the roof. She wanted to feel the warm body against her and the arm that held her close enough to not slip away but not quite close enough. Never close enough.

Did he want to pull her closer as badly as she wanted him to? Maybe. Maybe not. But Vala found she really didn’t want the answer. Not right now, in this moment.

Right now was simple. And they could both use a little simple in their lives.

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